Splinters

This work is something I made when randomly started thinking about my ADHD. Don't mind the formatting, it's just the way I write certain things.

SPLINTERS

I wish I knew the name of the person that described

                the way ADHD messes with ones ability to process information

                                and keep focus on what needs attention. It can be a blessing or a

curse, depending on the situation. So many people don’t

                truly understand what this is and how it can make things difficult.

                                How it was described, and this is a paraphrased version, is with the

                                                visuals of sticky notes.

Imagine that the every bit of information we experience

                in the form of sticky notes. All that we hear, see, smell, touch, taste

                                comes to us in this form. Most people have this ability to filter out the

the things that aren’t important at the moment, and can

                be put aside for later, or ignored. Most people can filter the static and

                                get through the day, or even the moment.

With ADD or ADHD, the filter is reduced and any little unimportant

                thing will pull you away from what I’m meant to focus upon; it’s like

                                the sticky-note is neon colored, covered in glitter and a feather boa,

all the while screaming “LOOK AT ME! I’M A DEADBOLT LOCK!

                WHY NOT THINK ABOUT HOW I WORK FOR AN HOUR OR TWO??” This isn’t

                                an exaggeration; my mind has slipped into random dissection of meaningless

trivia when I should be concentrating on completing a task. Another

                way of seeing this is in the way data on a computer’s hard drive becomes

                                fragmented over time. Thoughts can be incomplete; wandering from

subject to subject with little to connect them. It can be hard to remember

                multiple things, or it can be impossible to forget other things the have no

                                significance to anyone but the self. It makes life interesting and aggravating

at the same time.  Too often, others simply hand-wave this as not

                trying hard enough to concentrate, or just not listening to what was said

                                at the time, therefore I would forget things. If only that were the case. Far too

often have I encountered people who treat my issues as

                a cop-out or some form of excuse for why I struggle with certain

                                things. I can sit for hours working on a computer, and correcting various

problems and issues with little effort, but if you ask me

                to work on a car? Not a chance. I’m a disaster with auto mechanic

                                skills. I’m lucky I can change a flat tire without a diagram. I suppose the point

of this, in my own roundabout way, is that my mind doesn’t

                work like most peoples. Just because you don’t have ADD/ADHD is

                                not a reason to act like it doesn’t exist. As is the case with many mental

health issues, it’s not enough for people to simply assume

                they know what the condition is, and how it affects one’s ability

                                to just get through the day, and then blurt out some un-informed statement

like “You just need to concentrate harder”, which is what

                former manager told me before I referred her to a few websites

                                about ADHD. She apologized a day or two later, saying that she had no

idea it was like that. I had to bite my tongue to not say

                something snarky, as it was clear she really didn’t have any

                                idea. Compounding the ADHD is severe depression and a general

anxiety disorder. With this trifecta of mental issues,

                it’s no wonder that I feel like my mind is splintered  into

                                little fragments, all bent on doing whatever they want, no matter what

I need them to do. I relish the moments when I

                seem to have myself together, and can keep it that way

                                until the task is done; it’s like a taste of what “normality” or even

“stability” felt like, and a reminder that I had felt

                that way more often than not in my youth. I’m not sure,

                                but it seems that the older I get, the harder it is to work through a

day without the conditions overriding the disorder.

                Despite the struggles and days of getting nothing done, I keep

                                pressing on. I just work on getting a few of the correct splinters

pieced together and get the task done. Have you

                ever overloaded yourself with the “to do” list? That’s something

                                I do quite often, and I should know better, but every time I try to

get the list going, I find that I’ve overloaded the list

                again, and that kicks in the “fuck it” response, and there I

                                am, watching TV, or reading some random article on who-knows-what.

I have had success in limiting the list to 3 or 4 tasks

                which I call a success if I get more than one task done. Of

                                course, it may take longer to get the large tasks done, but

hacking away a bit at a time is better than getting

                nothing done at all. Keep in mind, when I was working,

                                it was easy to get myself into hyperfocus mode, as it interested

and challenged me in all the right ways, and I

                had become damned good and my job. I know that

                                there will be a day that I will have that again to stave off the

distractions and allow me to be a productive

                person again. Until then, I will just take things a day

                                at a time, and work to that goal of a semi-stable kind of life.

               

(C) Nerikull Murakami 2020