50 years: Reflections
Time does have a way of passing far too quickly. It doesn't seem that long ago that I had graduated High School, and now I'm celebrating my 50th Birthday, and finally getting a college degree.
Some 10 years ago, I posted a random reflection on what I have experienced in my life to that point. I've copied it, made a few changes, and added the last decade into this piece.
I take no responsibility if any readers start reading this in the rhythm of "We Didn't Start the Fire".
----
"Life at40 50"
I've thought back on random things in life that I've seen, done, and experienced.
-1969. Hello, world!
- The 70's: Playing outside without supervision, the console TV, a man from Sears, Dad's series of work cars, The Atari VCS (later 2600), Mr Roger's Neighborhood, Sesame Street, The Electric Company, Ray Raynor, Bozo's Circus, Led Zepplin, The Ramones, Black Sabbath, horrible clothing, crappy cars, "oil shortage", "the next ice age" (with similar wording to "global warming"), Punk Rock, Acid Rock, Heavy Metal, Barney Miller, Watergate, Nixon,, Ford, Carter, that station wagon my Dad had, breaking my pinky finger, learning to ride a bike, crashing said bike into the side of a neighbor's pickup truck, “jarts”, the trip to Colorado, nearly passing out from heat in Utah, the endless miles that passed on my bike, kindergarten, losing baby teeth, trying sports and finding out that some kids really don't lose well, getting revenge thru dodgeball, diagnosis of ADHD, school bullies, and just going to the next decade, still wide-eyed and innocent.
- The 80's: ONTV, cable TV, trying to watch the late-night softcore porn thru the scrambled signal, junior high school, A Flock of Seagulls, the first Nintendo system, the Commodore 64, capsela, my first guitars (acoustic and electric), speed/thrash metal, Quiet Riot, Miami Vice, Son of Svengoolie, MTV (when they still played music videos), something called a "Cell Phone", the "brick", the Chicago Bears Superbowl win, Florida, Disney World, Sea World, the Gulf, the Ocean, my pubescence, my first gay crush, my first lie about my sexuality, finding that place in my 'closet' that I would occupy until I was 22 or 23, the few fights that I got into, teen angst, Reagan, Bush 1.0, gaining an interest in what's going on outside the little world that was my hometown, losing some of my innocence, not losing my virginity, seeking my place, seeking answers to who I am and why I'm here, becoming 'born again', losing my religion 6 months later, burgeoning agnosticism, finding spirituality without needing a church, Jello Biafra, the PMRC, Tipper Gore, The Dead Kennedy's, DRI, DBC, Death Metal, Hardcore, battling my parents just to let my hair go long, getting my interest in bass guitar, graduation, making the choice to not go to college, trying to get a decent job, joining the Air Force, Texas, New Jersey, East Anglia, back to the Chicagoland area with my honorable and a borderline alcohol dependency, drying out, getting my Commercial Driver's License, and a (series of) job(s).
- The 90's: Long miles, busting my balls to make a paycheck, not making enough to get out on my own, that fateful night I stopped lying, "Mom, Dad, we need to talk", coming out....again and again and again, looking into BDSM, "can you teach me?" the first few places I partied, the 'support' group, "My name is Ralph", my heart stands still, a couple heartaches, losing my virginity, the first date with Ralph, the cycle of "I quit - You're hired", first cell phone, moving away from the parents and in with Ralph, some arguments, getting used to having a boyfriend, "Mom and Dad really like you", Opal and Winky, from boyfriend to my partner to my mate, "So, this is a PC?" January 13th...12:23pm....*CRUNCH* "Your partner has had an accident" morphine, my left hand looking like a q-tip, surgeries, lawsuits, therapy, settlement, new house, new car, new depression that went on for years, the tech stock outlook is rosy, making money, Bill Clinton, the first WTC attack, learning about the internet, learning about how a network works. Las Vegas, Korn, Slipknot, Windows, Ralph's grandmother dies, South Park, smoking 2 packs a day, slowly gaining weight, Heaven's Gate, David Koresh, Columbine, Gas going above $2/gallon, Everquest, summer job with an ISP, Dialup to cable internet, Y2K panic and satellite TV, disappointed in Dom Perignon.
- 2000 to 2009: The road trip with Dad, Tech stocks go poof, and so does our fortune, seeking an income, harsh arguments, nearly losing everything, the moment that proved (to me) that there is a higher entity, getting a job with Ameritech, we are now SBC, "I'll NEVER understand this job!!", Bush 2.0, 3pm to 11pm shifts, working in downtown Chicago, September 11th, the aftermath, quitting the cigarettes, Herbalife, consolidating the department, taking nearly 5 years to consolidate the department, 10 years together, another accident, another lawsuit, another settlement, Ralph's back, gaining the DVD collection, losing interest in TV, World of Warcraft, Livejournal, Second Life, Alienware when it was good, Alienware after Dell, Oldsmobiles, Suzukis, changing departments, boss from hell for about 4 months, "I'll NEVER understand this job!", we are now AT&T, getting involved in the union, almost 15 years with my Ralph, the ferrets, Opal is put down, Jewel joins the house, the 'war on terror', 8 years of Bush, seeing Barack Obama's speech in 04 and knowing that he'd run in '08, hope, change, seeing the Cubs game with Dad (they won), President Obama, Gorgoroth, Unheilig, Napster, Metallica, Lars sucks, Muram, Delu, Tiggahz, Kittah, everyone in SL, Midwest Furfest, 392 pounds, high blood pressure, Weightwatchers, losing 46 lbs, and making it to my 40th birthday.
- 2010 to 2019: Steady work, steady life, more interested in computers, unofficial IT guy, hosting many Christmas dinners with the family, depressed about being in my 40's, cutting off the caffiene, guess who's back? ADHD, seeing a psychologist, Concerta, weight gain, community theater, Ragtime, Les Mis, Music Man, Putting down Winky, adopting Amber, RIP Jewel, anxiety attacks, 20 years with Ralph, Dad's health begins to decline, rumors of layoffs, President Obama re-elected, Iowa, "I do", Mom and Dad see the last child get married, national Marriage Equality, rumors are true, "Yes, we are trying to find positions for you", "Thank you for your years of hard work, good luck in future endeavors", unemployment payments, "My pill cost HOW MUCH?", more doctor visits, 421 lbs, Adderall, Xanax, Zoloft, 2016: Dad's in the hospital again, seeing the signs, visiting as I can, considering college, more stress, early August, Dad’s in the ICU, massive panic attack, finality, resolution, funeral, “Welcome to Ivy Tech”, I just want to pass, online courses, finding my plan, Dean’s List, I think I’m getting this, Dean’s list again, Dean’s list for a third time, maintaining a high GPA, courses getting harder, math course? Oh, this is interesting, happy memories of Dad, course work, research, final courses, 3.7 GPA, commencement, AAS in computer science cum laude, losing 103 lbs, gain back 30, Ralph’s accident, stress and anxiety, side jobs, the booze is back, seeing a therapist, flashes of anger, resolving anger, blood pressure up again, back on the wagon, looking to the future again…
Nothing is in order, and I know I left a LOT out, but that's just what came off the top of my head.
But for all that, I will say this:
Love has so many layers, and there are so many people that I have said and likely will say "I love you" to.
You know who you are, and you are far too many to list individually.
I love you all. *hugs*
50 isn't old, it's just a reminder that I'm here, and still have a way to go!
Now, where's my cake? ^^
Some 10 years ago, I posted a random reflection on what I have experienced in my life to that point. I've copied it, made a few changes, and added the last decade into this piece.
I take no responsibility if any readers start reading this in the rhythm of "We Didn't Start the Fire".
----
"Life at
I've thought back on random things in life that I've seen, done, and experienced.
-1969. Hello, world!
- The 70's: Playing outside without supervision, the console TV, a man from Sears, Dad's series of work cars, The Atari VCS (later 2600), Mr Roger's Neighborhood, Sesame Street, The Electric Company, Ray Raynor, Bozo's Circus, Led Zepplin, The Ramones, Black Sabbath, horrible clothing, crappy cars, "oil shortage", "the next ice age" (with similar wording to "global warming"), Punk Rock, Acid Rock, Heavy Metal, Barney Miller, Watergate, Nixon,, Ford, Carter, that station wagon my Dad had, breaking my pinky finger, learning to ride a bike, crashing said bike into the side of a neighbor's pickup truck, “jarts”, the trip to Colorado, nearly passing out from heat in Utah, the endless miles that passed on my bike, kindergarten, losing baby teeth, trying sports and finding out that some kids really don't lose well, getting revenge thru dodgeball, diagnosis of ADHD, school bullies, and just going to the next decade, still wide-eyed and innocent.
- The 80's: ONTV, cable TV, trying to watch the late-night softcore porn thru the scrambled signal, junior high school, A Flock of Seagulls, the first Nintendo system, the Commodore 64, capsela, my first guitars (acoustic and electric), speed/thrash metal, Quiet Riot, Miami Vice, Son of Svengoolie, MTV (when they still played music videos), something called a "Cell Phone", the "brick", the Chicago Bears Superbowl win, Florida, Disney World, Sea World, the Gulf, the Ocean, my pubescence, my first gay crush, my first lie about my sexuality, finding that place in my 'closet' that I would occupy until I was 22 or 23, the few fights that I got into, teen angst, Reagan, Bush 1.0, gaining an interest in what's going on outside the little world that was my hometown, losing some of my innocence, not losing my virginity, seeking my place, seeking answers to who I am and why I'm here, becoming 'born again', losing my religion 6 months later, burgeoning agnosticism, finding spirituality without needing a church, Jello Biafra, the PMRC, Tipper Gore, The Dead Kennedy's, DRI, DBC, Death Metal, Hardcore, battling my parents just to let my hair go long, getting my interest in bass guitar, graduation, making the choice to not go to college, trying to get a decent job, joining the Air Force, Texas, New Jersey, East Anglia, back to the Chicagoland area with my honorable and a borderline alcohol dependency, drying out, getting my Commercial Driver's License, and a (series of) job(s).
- The 90's: Long miles, busting my balls to make a paycheck, not making enough to get out on my own, that fateful night I stopped lying, "Mom, Dad, we need to talk", coming out....again and again and again, looking into BDSM, "can you teach me?" the first few places I partied, the 'support' group, "My name is Ralph", my heart stands still, a couple heartaches, losing my virginity, the first date with Ralph, the cycle of "I quit - You're hired", first cell phone, moving away from the parents and in with Ralph, some arguments, getting used to having a boyfriend, "Mom and Dad really like you", Opal and Winky, from boyfriend to my partner to my mate, "So, this is a PC?" January 13th...12:23pm....*CRUNCH* "Your partner has had an accident" morphine, my left hand looking like a q-tip, surgeries, lawsuits, therapy, settlement, new house, new car, new depression that went on for years, the tech stock outlook is rosy, making money, Bill Clinton, the first WTC attack, learning about the internet, learning about how a network works. Las Vegas, Korn, Slipknot, Windows, Ralph's grandmother dies, South Park, smoking 2 packs a day, slowly gaining weight, Heaven's Gate, David Koresh, Columbine, Gas going above $2/gallon, Everquest, summer job with an ISP, Dialup to cable internet, Y2K panic and satellite TV, disappointed in Dom Perignon.
- 2000 to 2009: The road trip with Dad, Tech stocks go poof, and so does our fortune, seeking an income, harsh arguments, nearly losing everything, the moment that proved (to me) that there is a higher entity, getting a job with Ameritech, we are now SBC, "I'll NEVER understand this job!!", Bush 2.0, 3pm to 11pm shifts, working in downtown Chicago, September 11th, the aftermath, quitting the cigarettes, Herbalife, consolidating the department, taking nearly 5 years to consolidate the department, 10 years together, another accident, another lawsuit, another settlement, Ralph's back, gaining the DVD collection, losing interest in TV, World of Warcraft, Livejournal, Second Life, Alienware when it was good, Alienware after Dell, Oldsmobiles, Suzukis, changing departments, boss from hell for about 4 months, "I'll NEVER understand this job!", we are now AT&T, getting involved in the union, almost 15 years with my Ralph, the ferrets, Opal is put down, Jewel joins the house, the 'war on terror', 8 years of Bush, seeing Barack Obama's speech in 04 and knowing that he'd run in '08, hope, change, seeing the Cubs game with Dad (they won), President Obama, Gorgoroth, Unheilig, Napster, Metallica, Lars sucks, Muram, Delu, Tiggahz, Kittah, everyone in SL, Midwest Furfest, 392 pounds, high blood pressure, Weightwatchers, losing 46 lbs, and making it to my 40th birthday.
- 2010 to 2019: Steady work, steady life, more interested in computers, unofficial IT guy, hosting many Christmas dinners with the family, depressed about being in my 40's, cutting off the caffiene, guess who's back? ADHD, seeing a psychologist, Concerta, weight gain, community theater, Ragtime, Les Mis, Music Man, Putting down Winky, adopting Amber, RIP Jewel, anxiety attacks, 20 years with Ralph, Dad's health begins to decline, rumors of layoffs, President Obama re-elected, Iowa, "I do", Mom and Dad see the last child get married, national Marriage Equality, rumors are true, "Yes, we are trying to find positions for you", "Thank you for your years of hard work, good luck in future endeavors", unemployment payments, "My pill cost HOW MUCH?", more doctor visits, 421 lbs, Adderall, Xanax, Zoloft, 2016: Dad's in the hospital again, seeing the signs, visiting as I can, considering college, more stress, early August, Dad’s in the ICU, massive panic attack, finality, resolution, funeral, “Welcome to Ivy Tech”, I just want to pass, online courses, finding my plan, Dean’s List, I think I’m getting this, Dean’s list again, Dean’s list for a third time, maintaining a high GPA, courses getting harder, math course? Oh, this is interesting, happy memories of Dad, course work, research, final courses, 3.7 GPA, commencement, AAS in computer science cum laude, losing 103 lbs, gain back 30, Ralph’s accident, stress and anxiety, side jobs, the booze is back, seeing a therapist, flashes of anger, resolving anger, blood pressure up again, back on the wagon, looking to the future again…
Nothing is in order, and I know I left a LOT out, but that's just what came off the top of my head.
But for all that, I will say this:
Love has so many layers, and there are so many people that I have said and likely will say "I love you" to.
You know who you are, and you are far too many to list individually.
I love you all. *hugs*
50 isn't old, it's just a reminder that I'm here, and still have a way to go!
Now, where's my cake? ^^
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