Stream of Consciousness, 21 Jan 2020

There are times I wonder if life is just seeing how much shit it can dump on people before they crack. Many years of good, solid work, then hundreds are out of a job, yourself included. File for unemployment and look for work only to find that damned near every workplace wants people with a degree, and that doesn't even guarantee a decent paying job. Get sick? Injured? Lose insurance? Have a "pre-existing conditions"? Have mental illness?

Too fucking bad.

Getting older seems to mean that your body and mind will fall apart faster and everyone you know and care about will die in front of you.

"Social" media rarely is.

Government seems more corrupt.

I can't bear to watch the news anymore.

I screw the mask on tighter and keep repeating the mantra of the Depressed and Broken: "Yeah, I'm fine."

I'm not fine. I'm so fucking far away from fine.

I have to fight to get and keep medical aid.
I have to fight myself to get out of bed and do anything.
I have to fight the lack of medication to keep the bottle of booze out of my hand.
I have to fight to keep the bills paid.

I'm tired.

I'm just

so

tired.


There's this thing about me, though: I like to be alive.
Despite the pain, exhaustion, lack of motivation, and everything else, I prefer to stay alive.

I know that there are those who reached that point where they feel that there's no point to continue. I'm saddened when I hear of their passing. Losing Robin Williams was a punch in the gut to so many...so many. We fans who laughed were seeing the mask, and the talent behind it. We did not see the horrific sadness and pain that isn't always physical.

I used to think it was cowardice. I haven't believed that in decades now. Can a coward put the barrel in their mouth and follow through? Can they?

I'm a coward.

I'm sick, and acknowledge it. I seek help and get it when the system isn't trying to fuck me and all like me trying to get better.

I like living, and if living is cowardice, then let me forever be that coward.

Anger
Sadness
Panic
Sleep
Insomnia
Desires
Lack thereof


I wish I had an answer.
Any answer
Any ability to bring that answer to the masses who suffer and allow them relief with a cheap pill.
Any ability to boot the greedy fucks that only care for their bottom line.

I'm just one person.
Just another human being.

I am me. Don't you ever forget it.
That's right, I'm talking to my reflection.

--N